Rewriting Game Of Thrones – Season Three

(Rewriting GoT is now a series, click here for other entries.)

game of thrones season 3

(Spoilers Ahead)

After struggling with a downed HBO GO account I have finally been able to watch Game Of Thrones, season three. That means I’m free to make puns about Jaime Lannister’s hand or play “The Rains Of Castamere” at my wedding. In fact, I would only get married to pull a stunt like that.

This is the last time I’ll be doing “mini-reviews” for this show. It was fun.

Without further ado:

– – –

Game Of Thrones – Season Three:

Episode One: “In Which We Find Out Who Survived Tyrion’s Mind Explosion.”

Well, as long as the dad from A Little Princess and the kickass pirate are still alive, I won’t be sad. Yet.

davos alive

salladhor also alive

That’s right- I have my priorities straight. Of course, Salladhor Saan disappears from the narrative all over again. Because, you know, he’s got shit to do. Like not die.

– – –

Episode Two: “Bran Is Suddenly, Like, Fifteen”

bran before and now

Seriously- wasn’t he ten when this started? He looks like he’s in high school.

– – –

Episode Three: “Now That’s How You End An Episode”

game of thrones (jamie)

Okay, this is horrific. But when it happened I couldn’t stop laughing through most of the credits.

It suddenly occurred to me, “Wait a minute- what did Jaime do to deserve this?”

The Answer: “Oh my God- a lot.”

Also, the creators of this show can fool a lot of people with their character actors, but not me. I totally spotted Burn Gorman with the Night Watch at Craster’s. He hasn’t had lines yet, but I’m expecting he will. And soon.

– – –

Episode Four: “ULTIMATE MINDFUCK”

Torture is never fun, but this “escape from torture/nearly raped/saved from torture/whoops you’re being tortured again” is a whole other ball game. And of course it features poor Alfie Allen.

bad luck theon

He may admit that what he did was wrong:

But no one feels sorry for a fuck-up like Theon. Especially the guy who is torturing him. That guy’s idea of pain is like, a seven-course meal of agony and dick-stitches.

Meanwhile, shit goes bananas beyond the Wall and across the Narrow Sea.

game of thrones (jeor)

game of thrones (kraznys)

That’s two coups in one episode (one of which is led by Burn Gorman- told you so). However, looking at these images only makes me think “raspberry jam!” and “mmmm… marshmallows…”

– – –

Episode Five: “Robb Pulls A Theon”

robb kills karstark

Oh Robb, you are really dumb, for real.

First he kills Karstark against everyone’s advice, chopping his head off in the pouring rain just like Theon (his swordwork was a bit cleaner, though). As a result he loses half of his forces. Then he gets this brilliant idea: “I know what we’ll do! I’ll take my army to that guy I completely fucked over and ask him for help! It’s foolproof!”

I actually said the screen, “Robb, you are a dumbass. And you are dead.”

– – –

Episode Six: “This Is Awkward”

There hasn’t been a lot of Tyrion action this season, which has been kind of sad. Most of his scenes revolve around how much his father hates him, the strain on his relationship with Shae and how his new job is a joke. It’s a sadder, more defenseless Tyrion we’re seeing. Then he gets forced to marry Sansa Stark. Awkwardness ensues as he has to explain this to her… in front of Shae.

This episode also includes the departure of Baelish (good riddance). But not without him firing Ros:

ros dead

Seriously, guys. What did I say last time? Lay off Ros. Instead I have been given a nauseating image that will haunt my dreams.

I suppose Joffrey can add “torturing women with crossbows” to his OK Cupid profile, though. Ugh, I just made a pun out of this and didn’t mean to.

– – –

Episode Seven: “I’m Getting Tired Of Hearing ‘You Know Nothing, Jon Snohhh’.”

I never cared much for Ygritte’s teasing, but damn. Is that all there is to her? Is that her only line? Is there a supercut of this yet?

She might be the least interesting female character on the show. It all comes to a head when she crosses the wall and it becomes apparent she doesn’t know shit about anything, but still walks around like a swaggering rooster.

ygritte windmill

Nevertheless Jon Snow isn’t rubbing her face in it. Now we know who the mature one is in this relationship. It was a draw until now.

Also, I think Jaime has a total crush on Brienne. I have no fucking idea why. Or maybe it’s the first friend he’s made, like, ever? That might be true. He’s kind of a douche nozzle.

For now I’m hoping there’s a GoT spin-off where they’re in a buddy cop movie, ride on bears and this is the theme song.

– – –

Episode Eight: “Nothing Is Cuter Than Davos Seaworth Learning To Read”

davos reading

I’m not kidding. Listening to him sound out words is adorable. Can they put him on a READ poster for the children, even though they have no idea who he is?

In other news, this won’t be coming to a library near you:

drunk tyrion

Angry, drunk Tyrion “jokes” would look good on a poster perhaps. Or a t-shirt. Take your pick.

– – –

Episode Nine: “I Don’t Remember Medieval Times Being Like This”

I finally found out what “The Red Wedding” is. It’s a miserable affair where the janitor from Hogwarts throws a big party then decides to kill every viewer’s soul and faith in humanity.

game of thrones (talisa)

game of thrones (catelyn)

The death toll includes three main characters, a direwolf and a baby named after Sean Bean. Which is like a curse. Sean Bean is always contractually obligated to die, even if he’s a fetus.

– – –

Episode Ten: “Business As Usual”

Life goes on for everyone else. Well, until George R. R. Martin kills them in season four.

We’ll find out in 2014.

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