Rewriting Game Of Thrones – Season One

(Rewriting GoT is now a series, click here for other entries.)

game of thrones 01

(Spoilers Ahead)

I’m having fun watching Game Of Thrones because it’s the first piece of mainstream pop culture that hasn’t annoyed me for a long time. It’s well written, well acted and the creative minds behind it know exactly where to end an episode- namely, right at the moment most of the audience has soiled their pants.

In my case George R.R. Martin and the team at HBO haven’t made me shit myself. Not yet. I’m sure they will at some point. In the meantime I couldn’t resist coming up with alternate episode titles or “mini-reviews” of each episode. I plan on doing the same with the next two seasons.

– – –

Game Of Thrones – Season One:

Episode One: “Back In Our Day There Was Only One Sex Position: Doggystyle.”

Also, this:

Damn. I congratulate George R.R. Martin for having as much balls as I do. Not many writers would use this as a plot point.

– – –

Episode Two: “I Had To Kill My Kid’s Dog Because Your Kid Is A Dick.”

Enough said.

– – –

Episode Three: Dude, I Know That All These Horny Women Are Seeing This:


But All I See Is This:

prince charming

– – –

Episode Four: “I’m Only Watching This Because Of Peter Dinklage.”

– – –

Episode Five: “I’m Only Watching This Because Of Peter Dinklage.”

– – –

Episode Six: “Seriously, Jon Arryn Died Because Of Joffrey’s Hair Color?”


In the words of a wise man, “Yeah Science, bitch.”

– – –

Episode Seven: “The Pig Shit Hits The Fan.”

king robert

However, Mark Addy’s demise has more dignity than anything he did on Still Standing. I was so sad he was on that show.

– – –

Episode Eight: I Have No Memory Of This Episode.

– – –

Episode Nine: “No Words.”


I suppose this is when the audience first figured out that George R.R. Martin was playing for keeps. But seriously, Sean Bean has “I die horrifically” written into just about every contract he does before filming.

– – –

Episode Ten: “Ladies Is Pimps Too.” ~ Jay Z

Also, yeah- this:

I get it.


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