I Am Better At Everything: A Review Of Star Trek: Into Darkness (2013)

(Pictured below: “I’m so money, let gold rain down upon me”)


(Mild Spoilers Ahead)

I just walked away from the biggest nerdgasm of the year, Star Trek: Into Darkness, which will undoubtedly be raking in tons of money by the end of this week. I don’t have a problem with that. It was everything it was meant to be: entertaining, suspenseful and funny. Did it have many surprises? Well, no, but it was still a lot of fun anyway. And that was the point.

I’ll be brief because it’s nearly one in the morning and I don’t have much time, but here are the reasons why Darkness was just… well, a “gem.”

1) This is the first time I’ve seen seatbelts on the Enterprise. HOLY GOD THAT HAS BOTHERED ME FOR YEARS. Thanks for solving that oversight, J.J. Abrams.

2) As expected, lens flares everywhere! Thanks again, J.J. Abrams. You didn’t let me down.

3) Benedict Cumberbatch plays the most advanced, most “perfect” human being this universe has encountered. I suppose his fans would agree. In my case I figured his voice would be perfect for narrating anything, even tampon commercials. My friends then pitched the idea of Cumberbatch, Ian McKellan and Morgan Freeman starring in a movie called The Narrators, which is a black screen where nothing happens- just them talking. We compromised on the idea of having the three of them take turns narrating The Adventures Of Milo and Otis (1986) instead. But I digress.

4) I love watching Spock (Zachary Quinto) get PISSED. I like it when he runs. I like it when he yells. I like it when he prepares for death and manages to have more swagger than most rap videos.

5) Peter Weller is in this but I still call him RoboCop.

6) This movie is unintentionally (or intentionally?) homoerotic in the best way possible. Come on, people. We have a guy chasing down another guy because he ruined his treasured bromance, then beating his ass down as they zoom through the streets of San Francisco. I loved every minute of that.

7) On that note: PINTO FIVE-EVER. (Yes, that exists).

8) Just kidding. I simply believe in the bromance. Kirk (Chris Pine) and Spock may be the ultimate example of that. Well, besides Milo and Otis.

milo & otis

Awwwwww. STAR TREK: INTO DARKNESS, now playing at a theater near you. Go watch it or something.


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