Jacob, Put Your Clothes On: A Review Of Breaking Dawn – Part 2 (2012)

(pictured below: “I can, like, totally sparkle now…“)

(Spoilers Ahead)

Well, the end of an era has arrived. Twilight movies, you are nevermore.

I’m trying to think of more to say but all I can come up with is, “no words.” So, without further ado, here is my “bullet point” review on Breaking Dawn – Part 2.

UPDATE (11/19/12): Just saw the movie yourself (or any Twilight movie in general)? Need to feel better? Feel free to peruse my next post – TwiShards: 10 Good Things That Came Out Of The Twilight “Saga” (No, Really). Let’s be optimists.

– – –

1) Wow. The movie has actual opening credits this time. A move toward legitimacy, I guess? Also, it’s more than clear that I’ve become an unintentional Twilight nerd. I noticed they reprised the score from the first three films.

It’s so sad that I know that.

2) (Bella wakes up) Okay. Apparently being a vampire is a lot like being on acid (or, as Cracked put it, “being on shrooms“). So what’s the first thing you do? GO TRIPPIN’ IN THE WOODS. Seriously, the running scenes had my friends and I in stitches.

What can I say? It’s all due to the power of shitty green screen. And treadmills, mostly likely. Those two are totally on treadmills.

3) First shot of Jacob (Taylor Lautner) actually has some clothing involved. It’s what I call “the nipple shirt.”

Look at that face. He knows he’s pretty much naked anyway. Also, this is just a lead-in to the “Jacob kinda sorta being a pedophile” bit. Best part? Emmett (Kellan Lutz) saying, “This should be good,” anticipating the beat-down of the century.

In five minutes it doesn’t really matter, though. Pedophilia is okay in Stephenie Meyer’s universe. However, Part 2 does a decent job of playing that down as much as possible.

3) Did I forget to mention that Renesmee (Mackenzie Foy) is the creepiest CGI babychild of all time? It really needed to be said. Moving on…

4) Holy shit. Bella (Kristen Stewart) and Edward (Robert Pattinson) are taken to their dream cottage… and it kind of reminds me of that place where Hansel and Gretel went to die.

I know. It’s not made out of candy. But still, I kind of expect an old lady to hobble out and entice the two of them to fall head first into an oven.

5) Oh yeah! I forgot. This is the movie with the vampire fucking. I didn’t enjoy it. I did like Pattinson’s suggestions for the sex scene, though. His version would have involved a walrus.

Mr. Pattinson, if that had come true I would have actually paid to see this.

6) I had known about the “Jacob revealing himself to Charlie” scene for quite some time. I was pretty sure it would be one of my favorite scenes in the movie. Which it was.

First of all, it’s a scene with Charlie (Billy Burke). Enough said. Also, unnecessary nudity on Jacob’s part and homoerotic tension for both. Charlie: “Jacob, put your clothes on.”

Wait. Are they unintentionally referencing JacksFilms?

Never mind. Besides- SPOILER: Jacob so doesn’t keep his clothes on. Because duh.

7) Carlisle (Peter Facinelli), Esme (Elizabeth Reaser) and Alice (Ashley Greene) are giving Bella tips on how to act human when Charlie visits. Bella gets annoyed and says, “I get it. Move around, blink, slouch.”

Yeah, Bella. That’s what you’ve been doing for the last four movies. Not that hard.

8) Charlie remains Team Logic in this film. Watching how wrecked he is about his daughter (who he hasn’t seen for months) is palpable. It’s also very sad.

“My daughter looks like my daughter, but doesn’t,” he says at one point, then reels when Bella threatens to go away again. That poor, poor, poor guy.

As I’ve always said about Mushtache Dad: you deserve better.

9) It’s about half an hour into the film and Jasper (Jackson Rathbone) finally got a line in! Seriously, not exaggerating! High five everyone!

10) All right, an aside: the fears about Renesmee and her aging are pretty silly. The characters are wondering when she will stop growing. I for one would like to watch her age to 72 in 18 years, just like Robin Williams in Jack (1996).

I would love to see Jacob deal with that.

11) On another note, I’m so happy to see Marcus (Christopher Heyerdahl) again. That guy really doesn’t give a shit about anything anymore, and my suspicions were confirmed (for real, keep reading). He just wheezes, sighs, sits in chairs and looks mind-numbingly bored. I’m sure many audience members identify with him.

12) Although it’s hard to believe Part 2 actually boasts some sights you’ve never seen before. Like this:

Innocuous, isn’t it? Not really. Dakota Fanning totally tosses that toddler into a fire.

13) We get to the point where 20 new characters are introduced and begin moping around the Cullen house. These characters include Tyra Banks With Facepaint and The Grinch Who Stole Christmas. Also, some old school Romanians named Stefan (Guri Weinberg) and Vladimir (Noel Fisher) show up. Man, I really liked those bastards.

Why so many new people, you ask? Because Stephenie Meyer hates her audience. Also, at this point she has run out of things to write about.

14) Sadly this movie features Lee Pace, who is way too talented for this kind of thing. He plays a nomadic vampire named Garrett. The first time we see him he’s murdering a British guy because he hates British people.

This murder is completely acceptable because… the British guy doesn’t have a name, I guess? Also, Emmett and Rosalie (Nikki Reed) just stand around while it goes down (I imagine Emmett checking his watch like, “Bro, get it over with”). Great to see the film’s heroes stand by and watch cold-blooded murder happen. Again.

15) All of these vampires in one concentrated area are causing random Quileute boys to phase into werewolves. Further proof that the characters of Twilight continue FUCKING EVERYTHING UP FOR INNOCENT PEOPLE.

16) It reaches the scene where Bella gets passports ensuring Jacob and Renesmee’s escape. At this point I think, “If this movie had carried out its own threats it would have made a lot more sense.” But wait a minute. Read on…

17) So here goes: the Volturi show up for a showdown with the Cullens, itching to kill them all for creating alleged “immortal child” Renesmee.

They show up in style. Aro (Michael Sheen) has worn his Sgt. Peppers Band outfit for the occasion.

“I’m sexy and I know it.”

It’s also clear that the Cullens and their “witnesses” are outnumbered:

Looking pretty dire, right? But hey, if you’ve read the book you’re prepared for the biggest nonevent of all time. Basically it’s a bunch of people standing around like cardboard cutouts and talking.

Yeah, just standing around. Just like that.

There is some talking at first, and most of it proves that director Bill Condon told Michael Sheen to chew as much scenery as possible. His high-pitched laughter is delicious.

Then the movie goes for fucking broke. Alice and Jasper arrive with news, Aro tells them to fuck off, the Volturi prepare to execute both and Carlisle actually shows emotion:

Well, apparently showing emotion in the Twilight series has a high cost. Aro promptly beheads Carlisle in the midst of a space hug. Then everything goes bananas, like a full-scale, hard core battle sequence where everyone is beating the shit out of each other. It’s epic enough to feature what my friends call “the Star Wars yell” (a.k.a the Wilhelm Scream).

Really. I never thought that would happen in a Twilight movie.

Now, I knew this “fantasy” bit was going to happen since 2010. This didn’t make it any less enjoyable. In fact, I think this is a case of screenwriter Melissa Rosenberg stepping in and saying, “No, this is how you end a series.” After all, she was the head writer for Dexter during season 4. Remember how that ended?

That’s right. People died.

This battle scene shows some unbelievably callous deaths, some of which were (surprisingly) hard to watch.

  • Jasper is decapitated and ripped apart.
  • Alec (Cameron Bright) is fucking curb stomped by Emmett, then decapitated.
  • Seth (Boo Boo Stewart) is crushed to death.
  • Leah (Julia Jones) falls into a fiery chasm after saving Esme.
  • Caius (Jamie Campbell Bower) gets his jaw torn off, as well as the rest of his head.
  • Marcus commits suicide by vampire, uttering his last word: “Finally…”
  • Jane (Fanning) is torn to pieces by Sam (Chaske Spencer).
  • Lastly, Aro is straight-up murdered by Bella and Edward.

Through most of the fighting Bella is protecting her loved ones with her newfound “bubble” powers. I’m not kidding. Other characters say it’s a “shield” power, but it’s not. Bella creates something transparent and iridescent. It’s a bubble. Also, when Bella is using said power it looks like she’s passing really painful gas.

Suddenly the movie remembers, “oh, we have to follow canon… God Stephenie Meyer canon sucks,” and switches back to reality, where nothing is happening. It was just a vision. Shortly after Alice supplies the “proof” she brought with her, a human-vampire hybrid who was the product of a rape (but hey, let’s just gloss over that). Killing everyone over Renesmee won’t be necessary.

The Volturi decide to go home. I facepalm as every vampire couple in the Cullen clan celebrates by making out.

18) I guess this franchise simply couldn’t end anywhere but that infernal meadow full of flowers. It just had to be that way. We were also treated to our third “Bella Dream Sequence” where we’re subjected to her life’s memories. Of course, 95% of them are about Edward.

Isn’t it awesome how Bella’s memories are always in third person?

– – –

In conclusion Breaking Dawn – Part 2 was fucking moronic, but easier to watch than the last three movies put together. I’m surprised I’m writing that. It was watchable and at times even entertaining (i.e., the battle that never was).

Major downside: the movie is about 50% eyeliner. Most of which was worn by Dakota Fanning.

There was also a ton of eyeshadow and pancake makeup. But I’ll leave you on that previous note. DAKOTAHHH FANNING.

Side note: I totally lost my shit during the extended ending credits that featured everyone, including both Victorias. I screamed “MUSTACHE DAD!” at the top of my lungs and applauded and everything.

It’s over…. It’s over.

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