TwiShards: A Review Of Eclipse (2010)

(TwiShards is an ongoing series.)


In this third installment of TwiShards we have… the third installment of the Twilight series, Eclipse, getting reviewed. It’s brief and to the point, mostly because I didn’t care anymore.

At the time my friends were pushing for the idea of a third TwiRiff. I vetoed the idea. I argued against it for my sake. Working that closely with Twilight material for another six months seemed detrimental to my mental health (see New Moon Suppository).

In the end we didn’t do it. No regrets. However, in its stead we did If The Feminists Won’t Do It, We Will as our sign-off. That was even better.

Still, this review is a welcome jaunt down memory lane. I remember the night of Eclipse‘s premiere quite fondly. I mean, seriously- Adam dressed up like a cross between Colonel Sanders and a college professor just to make teenage girls uncomfortable. It worked. After that we went home, broke out whatever we could to numb ourselves and started a bonfire. Perhaps that was when the seed for ITFWDIWW was planted.

So yes. Sweet, sweet memories. Also, I have to point out that we were using the term “TwiHard With A Vengeance” years before everyone else. I have solid evidence for this.

We’re trailblazers.

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

(published June 30, 2010)

So I saw TwiHard With A Vengence last night, and I was very disappointed that it didn’t pan out the way I had expected. I was sure that Bruce Willis would show up and kick everyone’s ass for wrecking his mirror store in the first movie.

However, here’s my review in brief: Nothing. For now it seems pretty fitting- a blank of a review in exchange for a blank of a movie. Besides, I’m still recovering physically and emotionally at the moment. I haven’t been able to sleep. I have no interest in eating. The scratches on my legs still sting pretty bad (I threw myself into a rosebush after the screening). Overall I don’t really know what I saw last night, but I’m pretty sure it was the last two minutes of New Moon stretched out to two hours. The only difference was several flashback sequences and a superfluous vampire army subplot.

So all I can share are my first impressions and thoughts.

There were some surprises, like how there’s no water pressure in Forks anymore, leaving everyone’s hair much flatter. Also, the movie proved that Pattinson and the dreadfully underused Jackson Rathbone can act when given the right material, even if it is for a few brief scenes. Lastly- and this relieved me the most- there were no references to Wuthering Heights, which is referenced repeatedly in the book to point of nausea. At least we were spared that.

Of course some things haven’t changed. Billy Burke continues to be a shining beacon of hope among these maelstroms of hormones and plot holes. He will most likely continue to buoy us through these shitstorms, keeping us firmly in the camp of Team Charlie (a place from where we will remain unmoved). I also don’t have any hopes of seeing Taylor Lautner wearing a shirt any time in the near future.

Still, was it painful to hear teenage girls applaud manipulative, selfish and atrocious behavior passed off as a love story? Yes. Was it annoying to hear someone behind me explain every plot point to the person next to her? YES. Was it still perplexing to watch a variety of secondary characters train, fight and risk their own lives for the most worthless and ungrateful female character in the history of literature (and now cinema) even though I knew it was coming? Oh yeah. It burned like fire.

To be honest I was afraid that Eclipse would depress me enough to make me want to commit suicide by Twildo (no, really, I’ve thought about this. Leave it on the freezer and fall on it- right through the eye socket). Adam suggested a creative way we could do the job: shoot ourselves in the chest before gouging our eyes out and replacing them with brightly wrapped Cadbury Eggs. Fortunately we didn’t feel strongly enough to do so. And we were really tired. Besides, it was a joke.

Perhaps we’ll have to save our histrionics for 2011. What’s coming up next? Too many upsetting things. Let’s choose just one. Oh yes, Renesmee. Yeah, she’s so awesome because she can touch you and make you “see things.” You know who else could do that? Samara Morgan.

No really, think about it. Both kids were conceived under mysterious circumstances. Both mothers were said to have “demons” inside them. Both live in Washington.

So Breaking Dawn may end up with us looking like this:

the ring

Perhaps, if we keep our fingers crossed, there might be a new subplot in which Jasper builds a well and leaves some garbage bags next to it. We now know he’s killed kids before and he can do it again. Problem solved.

Please do it, Jasper. For us.


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