TwiShards: Twilight Dump

(TwiShards is now an ongoing series.)

twilight dump

Welcome to TwiShards, an exclusive mini-series/countdown celebrating the end of the Twilight series this year. Because it’s over. FOREVER. I don’t care what the internets have to say. Any further developments will cause me to spin into instant denial.

This is also a culmination of what I’ve written to entertain my friends during the past four years. What a time it was. I promised some of my new friends I would “re-share” all of it. So this is for them.

Twilight Dump is a blog post from 2009, when my friends and I thought the first movie was really stupid but also very, very funny. We had no knowledge of what was in the other books and just how bad it would get. Then someone was sent this Cracked article and suddenly it wasn’t funny anymore. We promptly cried blood and shit out our insides.

But here it was when we were all innocent and still all starry-eyed (no reference to terrible franchise intended). Read on:

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

(published November 19, 2009)

In November 2008 I encountered my comedic muse. I never thought I would have one so I was rather astounded after attending Twilight with a couple of friends, one of which had read all four of the books. Since I have always been a lover of bad movies it made a deep impression on me to say the least.

The first thing I asked upon leaving the theater was, “What does Edward do when Bella has her period?” then concluded, “That whole movie was like a car accident attempting to be sexy.” Over the next several days I decided I must convince my friends to see this movie. When I finally succeeded (several of these friends were male), they saw the same potential for comedy as I did. In the end Twilight and everything Twilight-related became a bottomless well of mirth for us.

This culminated with our biggest project yet. The contributors here at Singing Fish, as well as many others, collaborated on an iRiff for Twilight under the collective name The Angry Gibbons (pronounced “Jibbons”). Now on the eve before our second excursion into the Twilight saga- that’s right folks, it’s not a franchise, it’s a fucking saga– we only thought it natural to share the best Twilight humor on the web, both found and “handmade.”

(Oh, and just in case you didn’t catch on, we will be riffing New Moon as well. Mercilessly.)

First off, the plot is easy to take shots at. And so are the characters. And how they act. And the dialogue. And the plot. And the characters.

How about images? Here are some of our favorite screen captures from Twilight:

bella in a nutshell

1) Michelle’s favorite screen capture: the most emotion Kristen Stewart shows in the entire movie. Too bad someone had to break her character’s leg to do it.

twilight 01

2) Oh my God, this one too. It’s mainly because poor Jasper- the guy on the left- has finally been allowed to kill something. The entire movie he has been told not to kill anyone, then he gets permission to do it then set the guy on fire.

Look at his face. Look at the other guy’s face. They are so goddamn happy they’ve killed someone. They are going to annoy the hell out of everyone they know after this. “Hey, you remember that time we killed that guy in a ballet studio and burned his corpse?”

Yeah, we remember. We also remember the time you never shut up about it.

twilight 02

3) This is everyone’s favorite screen capture. When we discovered this- it only lasts for a few frames- we rewound it and ended up on the floor, laughing. It also cemented our status as Pattinson fans. He obviously doesn’t care when the camera is rolling.

For more on Pattinson’s performance, feel free to check out Peyote Face.

Next up: artists taking the Twilight narrative to task. Here are two comics that satirized the plot quite well, one nailing what is already in the movie and the other what “could have been.”

tweenlight

(courtesy of Starcasm)
This comic was circulating under the title: “Twilight: A Tragic Misunderstanding.”

twilight a tragic misunderstanding

(courtesy of See Mike Draw)

Now for the “handmade.” Near the end of our TwiRiff project Ilana noted during the final prom scene: “This movie has one last chance to redeem itself and that’s if Blade shows up and starts some shit with Edward.” Of course it didn’t happen, but someone else felt the same way. A photoshopped image began to circulate the internet under the title “How Twilight Should Have Ended” or “Blade Vs. Twilight.”

twilight meets blade

(Courtesy of StopBragging)

Oh, to think of what could have been.

Twilight has influenced some of Ilana’s most moving pieces of art, particularly anything involving Robert Pattinson’s face (alas, her many collages and other Pattinson-related art will not be included here). For Christmas she created a parody of Twilight involving zombies and titled it Dusk, and gave me a movie poster for a present.

Another one hung on Adam and Ilana’s bedroom door for several months.

dusk (full poster)

Lastly, here are some of the best abridgments of the movie, in case you didn’t see it. After reading these you won’t have to see them- they are pretty damn accurate:

Cracked: If ‘Twilight’ Was 10 Times Shorter And 100 Times More Honest
Snide Remarks: My Rejected ‘Twilight’ Screenplay

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2 thoughts on “TwiShards: Twilight Dump

  1. Ha ha! While I haven’t gotten all the way through the Twilight movie, I have read and blogged the first 3 books of the saga. So far, it’s been written in a way that’s unintentionally hilarious. Then I remember I’m supposed to take it seriously and I feel like crying.

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