There’s Nothing: My Thoughts On Prometheus (2012)

(Spoilers Ahead)

So I finished watching Prometheus about an hour ago. Did I think I would be going to see it? Not really. In fact I almost opted out of seeing it altogether, mostly because every review I read was negative. Also, my Facebook feed was overtaken with disappointment and quotes like, “Prometheus = Shit Sandwich.”

I had been tempted, though. I will explain why. I suppose that would be pretty harmless. Besides, only six people are going to be reading this anyway.

To begin with, I need to explain part of why this site exists in the first place. The Holy Shrine is where I can discuss why I’ve enjoyed movies for the wrong reasons. This is something my friends, family and I have in common. We’re all cinephiles who will go see something and take it seriously. Then there are instances where we see a preview or read a blurb in a magazine and say, “This sounds absolutely horrible/ridiculous/batshit crazy. I will be there on opening day.”

Prometheus falls into that category. I had no interest in seeing it. I’m not a fan of the Alien franchise, Ridley Scott, sci-fi disaster movies or summer popcorn flicks in general. A teaser had already been attached to several films I attended, so I got the gist. I had read a little bit about it. It just didn’t do anything for me.

Then while watching the full trailer before The Hunger Games Michael Fassbender appeared, playing David the robot. He looked… well, in my case I couldn’t put it into words. Lauren did, summing up his appearance as “a Ken doll in a spacesuit.” For some reason this was enough to sell me on this movie: an actor looking really weird and being emotionless beyond reason. It charmed me.

When the trailer was over I started laughing. Then I turned to Amy and said, “That’s it. I’m going to become best friends with Michael Fassbender and nickname him ‘Fassy.’ Fassy Fassy Fassy Fassy.” I thought that what I’d seen was the funniest thing ever. A few weeks later Hannah asked me why Fassbender and I said, “Because it would piss off every living, breathing woman in America.”

Shortly after that creepy viral video hit the web and really did me in. I said, “God now I have to see this, and I hope David totally goes Cube and kills everyone on the ship.”

So basically this is why I saw Prometheus, to see Michael Fassbender in space. Also, I was expecting him to murder the other characters then gingerly place their body parts in plastic bags while listening to classical music. I think this was the right expectation to have when walking into the theater, and I’m one of the only people I know who got something close to what they wanted.

I think what people hate about this film has been said already. Is it very similar to Alien, its predecessor? Yeah. Does the story make complete sense? No. Are the characters inconsistent and poorly drawn? Sure. Is this one of the most inept scientific expeditions ever committed to film? It’s possible. Are there plot holes? Oh yes, there are many.

But who cares? David can bike while playing basketball. He is also a kickass bartender. And boy, oh boy is he a prankster. Feel like being kind of a dick and reminding David that he doesn’t have feelings? He’ll roofie you with space slime so you rot from the inside and impregnate your girlfriend with Ridley Scott’s version of Renesmee. Now that’s entertainment.

But bias aside, really- David is the only character with a goddamn brain and is somewhat likeable in this movie. That says a lot considering how morally ambiguous he is. It also says a lot for how dislikable or uninteresting the other characters are. The only exception was Idris Elba as Janek, who played a concertina and didn’t give a shit about anything. He got a few laughs out of me, and after paying $10.50 I think I deserved that.

Prometheus has the audacity to leave itself open to a sequel. Considering it may feature Noomi Rapace exploring the universe with Michael Fassbender’s (still functional) head in a duffel bag it might be the awesomest potential sequel of all time. That is if it doesn’t take itself seriously. Lauren is hoping it will become a Hitchhiker’s Guide To The Galaxy crossover. For my part- whatever. I think after this film the characters could move on to something more whimsical.

As a last thought, fair warning: there are penises everywhere in this film. Penises upon penises, some with vaginas on them. There are also vagina chairs and vagina mouths that are very hungry. It’s weird. Don’t take your kids.


5 thoughts on “There’s Nothing: My Thoughts On Prometheus (2012)

  1. Ok, I have one argument with your review. You wrote that David is the only character with a brain. I haven’t seen the movie, so i am under the understanding that he is 100% robot. So he doesn’t have a brain but some kind of awesome-mega-chip in his computer/robot head. So whoever created him is the genius, right? (which is a human, that’s too funny.) It seems he has an unfair advantage, being compared to other pathetic humans then. I wouldn’t mind having such advantages myself, especially since my sad little brain has more than its shares of memory lapses. :(

  2. Comment #2: Fassy IS “the shit”. Actually read an interview that he was dissapointed not being nominated for his role in Shame last year. I think it’s a good thing, since the man is incredibly talented,and will be around for a long time doing great acting. I can just see his head getting so incredibly gynormous with that ego of his,once he gets nominated and wins (which eventually he will) it might just explode. But i think he’s an awesome actor, have ever since I saw him in Jane Eyre and Fish Tank, but also believe that he knows he’s good, and likes to float in his own “i’m so awesome” pool.

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