Food For Thought: Guys I Never Think About

(Pictured below: A change of mind.)

A few months ago my sister and I were walking around Portland and talking about stuff like sisters often do. For some reason the movie Brothers (2010) came up, a drama starring Jake Gyllenhaal and Tobey Maguire. Neither of us had seen it and near the end of our exchange I began laughing. Then I said something like, “Man, I don’t watch either of those guys’ movies. In fact, I don’t even think about those guys, period. It’s kind of sad.”

With Tobey Maguire that isn’t surprising. His work in the late ’90s intrigued me, then I saw Spider-man (2002) and was so confused I walked out and asked for my money back. I haven’t seen a movie starring Tobey Maguire since. As for Jake Gyllenhaal, my understanding is that he is one of the most adorable, crushworthy stars around- a living, breathing charisma-bot who melts hearts and underwear alike. I never fully understood this, although I’ll admit I enjoyed Donnie Darko (2001).

But really, I have never thought about him or his career. Well, at least not until he did that “Time To Dance” video and nearly gave me a heart attack (note: if you click on link here I’m giving you forewarning- it’s NSFW).

I’m not trying to be clever here. I’m dead serious. There are only two actors who have scared the shit out of me now: Eihi Shiina and Jake Gyllenhaal.

But it turns out that Gyllenhaal is only the beginning here. Women and girls have taken a shine to him from the beginning. I totally missed that bus. There are other actors who fall into the same category, so now I’ve amassed a list. It was easy to put together because I spend a lot of time with women and- if you know anything about women- they will undoubtedly admit that there’s some actor/musician/performer who gets them so hot and bothered they want to punch through a wall.

Funny thing is that every now and then a name is mentioned and I think, “Whoa, I never think about that guy. Ever.” Or, “I’ve never thought of him that way.” Or, “I guess I don’t get it.”

This isn’t to suggest that I think these women are wrong. Not by a long shot. To each her own, right? And this isn’t to suggest that I dislike the men below either. I just don’t think of them in a sexual way. In fact, I simply can’t. Even looking up images for this post was weird. I was like, “Are they cute in this picture? I can’t tell,” then I would worry about posting a shitty picture of them. I figure their faces were their only argument for how attractive/not-attractive they are to me.

Some of these guys here are just what I said: guys I never think about. Some of them are awesome. There are two I was raised watching, two who I think are funny and one who I would walk up to and say, “You wear sweet hats” then ask if he could drop-kick a garbage can to amuse me. (Bonus points if you know who is who.)

This list may expand over time. I have no idea. The images I’m posting are listed in what I’d think is least to most shocking based on said actor’s popularity.

Now before you accuse my vagina of not working, let me say this: you’re welcome. If you adore any of these men, I just leveled the field for you a little bit, didn’t I?

Still surprised? Disappointed? Confused? Angry? Well, I suppose that’s what the comments box is for below. I’m interested in hearing what your list is too. Mine is changing even as I finish this post. I just realized that I’ve never paid any attention to George Clooney. Or Russell Crowe back in the day. Or even Brad Pitt, although he gives awesome copy and rocked it in Snatch (2000).

Also, Michael Fassbender didn’t make the list because I haven’t seen Shame (2011) yet.


UPDATE (11/12/12): I saw Shame.

Don’t get me wrong, though. His hair is pretty rad.


3 thoughts on “Food For Thought: Guys I Never Think About

    • Alan Rickman fans are called Rickmaniacs, and they’re very, very, very devoted- like sexually devoted. There are also Snape Wives, who (from what I’ve heard) believe they’re married to Rickman/Snape on the astral plane.

      Either way, Urban Dictionary defines a Rickmaniac as: “1) n. A person who is frighteningly obsessed with Alan Rickman.” or “2) adj. Frighteningly obsessed with Alan Rickman. – see also ‘Rickmaniacal’ (adj.)”

      This results in stuff like this: or that notorious quote: “You know how some opera singers can shatter glass? Alan Rickman can shatter underpants.”

      As you and I both know, I like and respect Alan Rickman, but not in this way or at that level.

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